We all have moments in our lives that we can remember and recall in an instant. Sometimes the memory is pulled out for a purpose, other times they are accessed by triggers. The key is to control what comes out and when. I know- easier said than done.

This is most common in depression. What happens is multiple negative memories stack up on top of each other and the result is overwhelming. On the positive side you can control this. I know what you're thinking- "No I can't", or "It's too much", and that’s the common thought. But the truth is you're experiencing selective recall for the purpose of certainty (remember the human needs). In a world of uncertainty when it comes to emotions, one looks for certainty to put everything back in place and if you are certain you can get "down", you will go there.

How do we make the switch to select a different memory. First, you have to interrupt the pattern. This is a decision you have to make with purpose. You can interrupt the pattern in a bunch of ways. Have you ever went into a room looking for something and when you got there something got you attention, then you forgot what you went in there for in the first place? It’s the same idea, only on purpose. spend time with a pet, go for a walk, play a game, make a funny noise, dance, sing- The possibilities are only limited by how far you're willing to go. Sometimes someone can help interrupt your pattern. If they are in tune with you and care for your well being they will do something to "break you out". A hug, high five, playfulness, a joke, a cup of coffee, funny noises, and this can go on as far as you're friend is willing to go for you -and I've seen and done some pretty outrageous things to break someone's state.

Now, once you’ve been "interrupted" you have a small window to put something in its place. This is where selecting a positive, helpful memory that evokes an uplifting feeling. To make this even more effective, play music from your "inspire" playlist (if you don’t have one- that was a hint). Here are some questions to help pull out those positive memories. Now keep in mind that the most effective way to do this is to go to a time before the moment that is limiting you. As you remember these things you now have the opportunity to give them a whole new empowering meaning that serves you.

• What have you done that was great?
• Who cares for you?
• Who do you Love?
• When was a time you felt un-stoppable?
• What was the first thing you remember as a child
• What gives you strength and make you feel strong?
• What makes you powerful?
• What was a time that you were un-beatable?
• What are you grateful for?
• Who do you appreciate most?
• What gives you life?
• What makes you feel fully alive?

 
Now here's the crazy part: You have positive music playing, your thoughts are empowering, make a noise to ground you to the feeling, a shout, yell, a roar- make this your anchor and if you have enough emotion, you can use it to bring you to a place of total empowerment.
This will take practice and you will first have to make the decision that you want to make a breakthrough in your life.  

Use this any time you need to empower yourself before the moment you need to be in the peak state. To know that you are in total control of the state you're in will make you unstoppable!

To put it into practice look out for the New Years Revolution at The Edge Center, we will be holding the ultimate life changing event on New Year's Eve. Imagine Leaving 2016 as one person and launching into 2017 with tools to take you to the highest level of performance possible.  

With back to school right around the corner the hot topic is what to do if your child is being bullied. But often overlooked is what if your child is the bully? We can all agree that it is more beneficial to stop a problem at the source and if parents can look at their child objectively enough to see that their child may be the issue.
 
Now a high majority of parents believe that they are "good" parents and that their child's behavior is a reflection of their success. Not so true. Just because your child misbehaves does not mean you are a bad parent- in my 20+ years of teaching children I've seen wonderful parents who had the worse kids I've ever met and horrible parents with absolute amazing children.  The real influence comes not from the parent but from where they spend their time when they are alone or with their friends.
 
Every parent that I've ever told that their child shows oppressive behavior is genuinely shocked. In most cases their child is a star athlete or a straight A student ore very popular. And it's just that environment that makes a child feel superior towards others and makes them want to maintain control.  The key is to keep a balance of success and humility. At The Edge Center we constantly use game drills and playful dialog that keeps students humble- never letting  any success go to their head. Now I'm not saying one has to put someone down when they gain something but rather share the learning experience with others who have not found the same. This method prevents the ego from growing out of control.
 
Before we continue on how to prevent the bully from growing, let's look at some indicators that a child will show that leads them into becoming a bully. Now this may not be your child but at least you can help a fellow parent out and identify if in their kids (you may need to sit down with a glass of wine or two first).

• Positive views towards violence
• Lack of empathy
• Often aggressive towards parents, teachers and other adults
• Abuse of their pets and belongings
• Arrogance
• The need to control and dominate others and situations
• Boy bullies tend to be physically stronger than their peers
• Girl bullies want to win at all costs, tend to be more dramatic than their friends.
• Having a "bad boy" or "mean girl" streak
• Sudden change in friends
• Hot tempered, impulsive and easily frustrates
• Acquires new belongings without a source
• Often tests limits, boundaries and breaks rules
• Good at talking their way of difficult and tense situations
• They refuse to take responsibility for their actions
• Show little sympathy towards others who are bulled

Now after identifying some of these characteristics how do we stop it?
At the first sign of this behavior it has to be dealt with immediately. It's like a dog who poops on the floor- You don’t wait a day or two to tell them "bad dog". First you need to sit them down and make them understand the importance of other people's feelings and emotional awareness.

 The punishment has to be severe; and I mean severe enough that that the act of bullying is unthinkable! If the bullying is online or over the phone- Take away the device. Not for a day or a week, make it a month. And don’t give in. If the bullying is being done in person- get your child to a soup kitchen or homeless shelter and have them volunteer and listen to others stories of hardship. This will give them a unique perspective that they cannot get inside their own sphere of influence.

Other behavior solving activities are limiting access to their current peers. Get the child involved in activities that teach humility, compassion, comradery . I use Martial Arts as the ultimate medium. It has most of the elements needed to teach. I also rely heavily on Wilderness Adventure. The act of getting out of their comfort zone enables them to learn un-inhibited from the distractions of the every day.

 During the punishment phase (not before or after) its most important for the bully to issue a sincere apology to the victim- in person. This is done during the punishment because the newly reformed bully needs to be humbled and show the right amount of empathy otherwise it will be spiteful and with little remorse.

Our main goal here is to make all children feel important and good about themselves. By curbing less than desirable behavior we can make sure that bullying does not extend into adulthood. Make sure we build children up with talks of honor and respect. Include dialog of valuing other people's feelings and how their behavior influences others actions both good and bad. Be sure they have the right role models to look up to and they are not emulating what they see on reality TV & internet videos. Don’t let a bully make excuses for their actions. Make them take responsibility for what they have done and do everything it takes to prevent this behavior from happening again. This process won't happen overnight, it will take some time. But don’t give up, the last thing a parent wants on their mind or their child's is having someone commit suicide because of them.

I always make myself available for question. If you would like to talk more about this please don't hesitate to reach out to me: vince@theedcecenter.net